Outbreak of ‘Swan Flu’ hits Manchester.

Reports are coming in that the W11 virus – otherwise known as ‘Swan Flu’ – is causing havoc at the Conservative Party Conference in Manchester.

According to Dr. Schadenfreude, an expert in Swan Flu studies, symptoms of the disease include “salivating uncontrollably over the prospect of decimating public services” and “generally being a braying Tory twerp”.

Speaking exclusively to the Paintbrush, Dr. Schadenfreude sought to reassure readers that it was unlikely any of them would fall victim to the virus.

“In contrast to most illnesses, Swan Flu disproportionately affects the rich. It is caused by the excessive eating of swans. Roast swan, swan in caviar, curried swan – this is the sort of diet David Cameron, Gideon Osborne and many other members of the Shadow Cabinet have been used to all their lives. They really did leave themselves extremely vulnerable.”

Although Dr. Schadenfreude’s research suggests that years spent quaffing champagne and snorting cocaine also make an individual susceptible to the disease, the key factor is an over-indulgence in swan-eating.

Conservative MEP and internationally renowned nurse-basher Daniel Hannan was reported to have come down with a serious case of Swan Flu at the Tory conference. However, when NHS paramedics tried to assist him he shouted “Get back you commie bastards, get back I tell you!” before proceeding to throw empty bottles of Dom Perignon at them.

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Tags: Tories