Fantasy cabinet


Several members of the Paintbrush collective (well, VoteRedGoGreen at least) spent their childhoods playing ‘fantasy cabinet’. Whilst the cool kids were playing and talking about football, VRGG would fantasise about a dream Cabinet and scare girls.

In honour of VRGG’s geeky formative years, and the upcoming Championship play-off final at Wembley (which the author is attending), I am going to make a comparison between some of Sheffield United’s fine footballers and GB’s winning (really? Ed.) Whitehall team.

Paddy Kenny : Jack Strawjack strawPaddy Kenny

30 years of munching pies has made Paddy Kenny the Blades’ porkiest goalkeeper since the legendary William ‘Fatty’ Foulke. He’s also bloody good (when he’s not stuffing his face in Greggs). His shot-stopping prowess suggests a parallel with Jack ‘The Demon Headmaster’ Straw. Straw is the ultimate survivor who’s parried away any shit that’s been thrown at him.

Kyle Naughton : Andy BurnhamAndy BurnhamKyle Naughton

Coming through the youth ranks, Kyle Naughton has been brilliant this season – solid at the back and good going forward. Pretty boy Andy Burnham is a talented young Cabinet minister who can put in a good tackle (remember Shami Chakrabarti?) and can create good chances going forward (his proposals on football club redistribution, for example).

Chris Morgan : Nick BrownNick BrownChris Morgan

Ugly, loyal and ever-so-slightly thuggish.

Greg Halford : Alistair DarlingAli DarlingGreg Halford

Greg Halford is Mr Versatile – a Phil Jagielka for the 21st Century, if you will. Whilst Jags could have been the equivalent of John Reid, our Greg gets to be Alistair ‘The Silver Fox’ Darling, a minister who’s fulfilled a number of roles over the years and is now producing the best form of his career.

Brian Howard : Peter MandelsonMandelsonBrian Howard

The midfield is an area of the team that the Blades have never really prioritised: why sign decent midfielders when you’re just going to boot the ball over their heads from the back? However, in an attempt to inject some spark into the team, Kevin Blackwell signed Brian Howard from Barnsley. The loss of their only good player made the Tykes more bitter than a pint of John Smith’s and their only remaining season-ticket holder left to spend more time with his whippets.

Anyway, Howard has finally shown why the Blades bought him with excellent performances in the play-off semis. Similarly, Lord Mandelson’s return has had some impact and hopefully his magic powers will help us in the next election.

Stephen Quinn : Hazel BlearshazelStephen Quinn

Short, ginger and energetic.

Craig Beattie : Harriet HarmanHarriet HarmanCraig Beattie

What these two have in common is an ability to a) get into good positions; and b) make a complete pig’s ear of any decent chances they get. Unfortunately, whilst Beattie is on loan, we’re stuck with Harriet.

and the managers….

Kevin Blackwell : Gordon Browngordon brownkevin blackwell

Kevin Blackwell spent years serving under Neil ‘Prince Over The Water’ Warnock, a Sheffield United legend. Getting a bit moody, he buggered off to Leeds for a bit before taking over the Blades leadership, for which he was the only candidate. He started well, achieved good results and became popular with the fans. However, he has since had some ups and downs. Likes to play a physical game, lacking the finesse of many of his rivals and he finds communicating a bit difficult: in particular, he is fond of making daft excuses for poor performances.

So no similarities there then.


3 Responses to “Fantasy cabinet”

  1. voteredgogreen Says:

    Welcome back to the blog-o-tubes comrade. A truly excellent comeback.

    I take issue with your first paragraph. I have been known to woo solely on the basis of my by-election and bimetallism knowledge. Oh yes.

  2. mrs election Says:

    Excellent post. Particularly enjoyed the Harriet Harman slagging.

  3. captainjako Says:

    Durbinite is back in the game!

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