Posts Tagged ‘celebrities’

“Bring me my machine gun and my sixth wife”

March 3, 2010

I like the Daily Mash’s suggestion that polygamist President Jacob Zuma of South Africa has come to the UK in order to claim Cheryl Cole as his latest spouse.

Zuma has made a predictable complaint about Britons looking down on South Africa because they are reactionary, imperialist, racist etc.

This should not stop us mocking a man who amongst numerous misdemeanours believed having a shower would protect him from AIDs.

For those who don’t get the “Bring me my machine gun” reference, Zuma’s favourite song is Umshini Wami. The lyrics are quite straightforward but not very appropriate for one of the most violent societies on the planet.

Hollywood High.

February 15, 2010

So the Tories are in talks with actress Goldie Hawn because she enjoys setting up Buddhist schools and they enjoy handing over public money to people like that. 

I was already fairly sceptical about the Conservative education plans. Now I’m going to worry that a Tory Government would pay Mel Gibson to establish a chain of Catholic faith schools based on his own theological perspective (non-Catholics are going to hell, Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world, etc). Or perhaps let Tom Cruise start some state-funded Scientologist primaries. Yikes!

All very weird: the Kirk McCambley Facebook phenomenon.

January 9, 2010

Kirk McCambley has become famous for illicitly making whoopee with Iris Robinson MP and getting some money out of her to start a café. 

He has gained a strange sort of celebrity status for his pivotal role in this scandal. McCambley’s achievements are as follows: revelations about his affair with hardline Christian Robinson expose her as a hypocrite; he has managed to freak everyone out a bit by enjoying intimate relations with someone 40 years his senior who has described him as being like her ideal son; and the dodgy financial side of things may additionally ruin the first minister’s career. 

McCambley is now undoubtedly the most well-known toyboy in Northern Ireland, perhaps even the whole United Kingdom (with some competition). Such is the state of our modern society, that means he’s going to have a lot of Facebook groups set up in his honour. Here is a list of them:

Kirk McCambley Appreciation Society: “Dedicated to the 19 year old victim of Iris ‘Cougar’ Robinson. He may have stirred Peter’s porridge but he makes a mean cheese and tuna toastie!” –  4,352 members.

I want to have an affair with Kirk McCambley: “Fair enough I don’t have a spare £50,000 or some dodgy developer friends, but IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME. Dammit.” – 212 members.

I also had an affair with Kirk McCambley but don’t tell my husband: “A self-help forum” – 43 members.

Mass trip to the Lock Keeper’s Inn to see Big Kirk McCambley: “May we all take a moment to offer our thanks to Kirk and his missus. THIS IS PURE GOLD.” - 1,496 members.

Let’s get Kirk McCambley into Celebrity Big Brother 7: “So I think we should get this campaign underway and get him into CBB7! Plus he’s HOT and I just don’t think there’s enough hot Irish totty on the telly (especially not in CBB!)” - 55 members.

Very amusing. I expect poor Kirk McCambley had no idea what he was getting himself into…

Time to rip up the autograph.

December 31, 2009

When I was a CLP delegate to Labour conference in 2004 I shook hands with Dear Leader Tone and then later that same day with Billy Bragg (a shake with which I am more pleased).

However, towards the end of the conference, I jokingly remarked to the PPC for my constituency that I hadn’t spent as much time hobnobbing with celebs in Brighton as I thought I was going to. My comrade then said she could rectify this situation immediately and walked off somewhere.

A few minutes later she returned. With a triumphant look upon her face, she thrust into my hand a small card with some squiggly writing on it. It said something along the lines of:

Dear Jako, Love and Kisses, from Floella Benjamin

I gave my sincere thanks to the PPC, but had to then be honest and ask who Floella Benjamin was. I thought she might be some government minister I had not heard of before. Turns out she was an actress and TV presenter. Apparently quite famous, thought obviously not hugely so.

Floella Benjamin was at Labour conference talking about how she supported Labour’s education spending rises. I have not given her much thought since that day in 2004, but I recently came across a very glossy leaflet being distributed by Islington Liberal Democrat in which Floella Benjamin features.

Imagine my (admittedly fairly moderate) level of shock to see that Floella Benjamin is now slamming Labour’s record on education and is instead supporting the Liberals. Another formerly Labour-supporting celeb lost.

Oh well.

Make complaints to the PCC about sick Jan Moir.

October 16, 2009

I can only assume that I’m unable to get to the Press Complaints Commission website at the moment because it’s crashing under the weight of traffic caused by all decent-minded folk wanting to protest against Jan Moir’s horrendous article in today’s Daily Mail.

Moir – apparently an “award-winning journalist” – speculates over the recent death of Stephen Gately and basically seems to think that he died because he was leading an irresponsible gay lifestyle.    

In a weird argument that surely only a very bigoted or very stupid person would find convincing, she uses the deaths of Stephen Gately and Kevin McGee as evidence of the undesirability of civil partnerships.

Even if one ignores the homophobic aspect of her article, Moir’s insensitivity is astonishing. She appears to be accusing Gately’s mother of lying about the cause of Gately’s death. Gately’s mother insists that her son’s death was caused by fluid on the lungs, the result of a previously undetected heart condition. This view is backed up by the post-mortem, as Moir has to admit (maybe the Daily Mail legal team forced her to insert a reference to this?).

Yet Moir writes:

“Whatever the cause of death is, it is not, by any yardstick, a natural one. Let us be absolutely clear about this. All that has been established so far is that Stephen Gately was not murdered. And I think if we are going to be honest, we would have to admit that the circumstances surrounding his death are more than a little sleazy.”

Disgusting – how does this woman sleep at night? Oh yes, that’s right: in an expensive bed paid for by the scum at the Daily Mail who give Moir money to write this twisted nonsense.

I cannot help but agree with the response of the excellent Enemies of Reason blog: “Someone as decent and ordinary as Gately dies, yet Jan Moir lives. It’s just not fair.”

UPDATE: Another triumph for twitter?


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